The Duck
a personal essay about my struggles with loneliness
This post is different from my usual humorous content, in that itās much more vulnerable. To be honest, I donāt really know why I am writing about this other than the fact that I felt like I needed to; I thought that not only would this be therapeutic for me, but maybe this post will also help others who may be struggling with the same thing. Either way, I hope you all enjoy!
***
The other day I went to the lake with my family, which is normally a very fun and soothing outing that we all like to do during the hot summer months. Along with the regular group of me, my sister, my mom, my soon-to-be stepdad, and my soon-to-be stepsister were one of my sisterās friends and my soon-to-be stepsisterās friend. The afternoon was going great. The sun was hot, the lake water was cool, and the birds were busy flying under the diamond-blue sky. The scene was picturesque. Together, we all talked about how nice the water felt and how beautiful everything was. Then, once the waves began separating us, I climbed onto the raft with my soon-to-be stepsister and her friend, where we spent the next hour talking about the upcoming school year. Getting hungry, we then all decided to climb back into the boat and eat some lunch.
Emerging from some nearby brush was a Mallard hen, who decided to swim right up to our boat. For those that donāt know, Mallards are highly social birds who usually stick together in flocks. I bring this up because, for whatever reason, this duck was completely alone. Feeling sorry for her, I took the crumbs from my chip bag and threw them into the water. To my surprise, she immediately gobbled all the crumbs up before disappearing back into the brush from which she came.
With the duck gone and lunch finally over, I decided to head back into the water, this time with a raft of my own. Everyone soon followed, and it wasnāt long before we were all adrift in the lake. It was here on my raft that I began to notice just how alone I was. My mom was with her fiance, my sister was with her friend, and my soon-to-be stepsister was with her friend, but I had no one. For whatever reason, this hadnāt bothered me before, but now that I was seeing everyone partnered up together on their rafts, it did. I was completely alone.
***
Loneliness is nothing new to me; in fact, it is something that I struggle with a lot. Looking back, I think that the first time I ever felt truly alone was when I went back to my old private school after years of homeschooling. Having been homeschooled 4th through 7th grade, I felt like I missed out on a lot of crucial social development. While everyone had made the transition from child to teenager together, I didnāt get that; I was lost. By all accounts, I still considered myself a big kidāI was into art, animation, crafts, animalsāwhile the rest of my peers had moved on to older, teenage interests such as boys, shopping, makeup, social media, and so on. I didnāt care about any of that, and so I didnāt feel as though I fit in. Most of the time, I felt quite content with being different, except when it came to social events, as those were the times that I felt most out of place.
As previously mentioned, I went to a private school, and that school was very, very, very small. So small, in fact, that my graduating class only had around 34 people in it, including me. With that being said, Iām sure you all can only imagine how difficult it is to feel out of place in such a small group of people.
What made this feeling of loneliness worse was when my friends and peers began dating. Being that I was surrounded by such a small pool of guys, dating always felt like something that was beyond my reach. The guys in my classes always wanted girls from other schoolsāgirls that would cut loose and party, which was not me. Sure, dating apps were an option, but I never felt comfortable with that (and still donāt). Maybe it works for some, and thatās great, but for me there are simply just too many unknowns involved. And so, I never dated in high school, and still have yet to date, which has only served to make my struggles with loneliness all the worse.
***
Senior year was when things felt like they were finally starting to change. I found a small friend group, I was starting to get more involved at school, and I was starting to become a more confident and goofy person. Things were looking great; that was until Covid hit, sending all my progress into a tailspin. And, unfortunately for me, things would only get worse in college.
Because my high school was so small, I had always looked to college as my opportunity to meet new people that I actually connected with and finally get past my issues with loneliness. Instead, my freshman year would turn out to be one of the most lonely and isolated times of my life. Locked within my dorm with a roommate that was gone the majority of the time, all I had was myself and my voice echoing across the concrete walls of my room. It sucked.
It was also around this time where I first began to struggle with social anxiety. Having never been scared of people before, seemingly out of nowhere, I found myself terrified of them. I couldnāt talk with strangers on the phone. I couldnāt go to banks or grocery stores by myself. I could hardly even walk past a group of people on my college campus. It was terrible! Luckily for me, after talking to my family about these issues, they helped me get in touch with a therapist. And although I still find myself struggling with it at times, after years of hard work, I can thankfully say that Iāve been able to overcome a lot of my anxieties surrounding people.
I think what makes people so scary sometimes is the fact that they are so complex. If I try to go up to talk to somebody, do I really know what they are thinking about me? If I try to become friends with them, whoās to say that theyāll be a great friend or that they are a good person with good intentions? I donāt know that, and I think thatās what sometimes scares me about peopleāthe unknown. But as Iāve gotten older, and Iāve come to love my own complexities, Iāve tried to be more understanding and sympathetic towards othersā complexities, too. People are boring when they try to act like everyone else; itās their differences and complexities that make them beautiful.
Looking back, I wish I couldāve seen that more in high school; I wish I couldāve been more loving and understanding towards myself and my own complexities as a person. I wish I wouldāve loved myself more for who I was, rather than beating myself up for being ādifferent,ā but at least Iām making that effort now.
***
And now back to my day at the lake. If Iāve worked so hard to be more comfortable around people, then why did I feel so alone around my family? Why, after lunch, could I have not just gone up to one of their rafts and talked to them? My mom called me over plenty of times, but I just couldnāt bring myself to come over and chat.
If you are a follower of mine on Substack, then you might have read one of my other essays entitled āHumor, Vulnerability, and a Mall Cop Poem,ā where I dive into my struggles with vulnerability. News flash, I struggle with it a lot. Looking back to high school and freshman year of college, I think something broke inside of me at a time when I was at my loneliest.
āIām alone today, and chances are Iāll still wake up alone tomorrowā¦ Nobody is going to come and save me; itās up to me to save myselfā are some of the things that I would tell myself.
At the time, I thought I was being strong trying to handle things on my own, but I was wrong. As corny as it may sound, I think people are strongest when they are able to be honest with themselves and their situation and ask for help. Chances are that if I had been more honest with my friends and family about my loneliness, then they wouldāve helped me just like they did with my anxiety, but I didnāt let them. And because of that, years later, Iām still struggling to ask for help. Iām still struggling to admit how much my loneliness bothers me.
In my dumb brain, going up to my sister or my mom at the lake felt too vulnerable, like an admittance that I was alone and needed somebody. For years, embracing my loneliness felt less painful than trying to fight against it and admit that it was eating me alive, but now I can see that that was a twisted way of handling things. So now, I sit with the Herculean task of working through my issues with vulnerability and loneliness. No matter how uncomfortable it makes me, I know I have to get better about reaching out to people for help. I have to get better at making an effort to connect with more people so that I wonāt be so alone.
Something that my therapist said in our last meeting together is that āyou choose to feel uncomfortable; itās a decision you make,ā and as much as I hate it, I think sheās right. (Shoutout to Ms. Tina; sheās the best!)
The truth of the matter is that Iām not the Haley I was in high school or in the dorm at college; I donāt have to handle things on my own. Iām blessed to have a wonderful family that loves and supports me; I have amazing friends who I can be creative with; a lot of peers and colleagues at school and work that I feel I connect with; and, more recently, a fantastic community of fellow creatives here on Substack who I feel Iāve also been able to connect with.
I donāt have to go on living like a lonely Mallard hen on the lake; I have my flock. I love them, and I am more thankful for all of them than they could ever know.
Thank you, Mom; Dad; Macy; James; Lauren; Caroline; Brooke; and my entire Substack community, for being the awesome people that you all are. I consider you all a part of my flock.
And to anyone whoās reading this post and is feeling lonely, please know that help is out there; you donāt have to suffer alone! Embracing loneliness can feel better in the short term, but take it from me, itās notāitās worse. There are always people out there to help, whether they are family, friends, coworkers, acquaintances, or random strangers online. I promise that there is a flock out there with open wings ready to embrace you, so go ahead and fly to them.
Donāt continue to be a lonely duck!!!
Love you all,
Haley :)
You never fail to inspire me! š©·
so relatable. i feel like starting college during covid was the hardest part of my life as well. itās so great to see you making progress! miss you so much!